We all imagine the family we want. For some, it’s replicating the family of a friend or our own. It might include many siblings, one sibling, or no sibling.
Increasingly, people are having fewer children than they initially thought they wanted. Historically what has been called “The Traditional Family”—a boy for you and a girl for me, has dominated most people’s thinking. Although many still say they want two children, the reality is that’s not what’s happening. Rather, the one-child family is the fastest growing family unit in the US and throughout developed countries.
More and more people of childbearing age are getting over needing to fit the bygone family formula—two parents, two kids. Nonetheless, a nagging feeling that perhaps they should can persist, making it all the more important to recognize status quo expectations for what they are, instead of giving in to them.
Like many women today, I was older when I had my child. Within a month of his birth, people were quizzing me: When are you having another? How can you do that to your child? I started to wonder what could be so problematic about having one child and embarked on a decades-long investigation of only children.
Today more than ever, the science doesn’t hold up to the stigmas that are fortunately fading. Only children are not particularly lonely or selfish or bossy as children or adults. In fact, the benefits of being an only child and the parent of one are substantial.
Being “One & Done”
Here’s some of what I learned during the interview process for what became my new book, Just One: The New Science, Secrets & Joy of Parenting an Only Child. The thoughts and comments are emblematic of and underscore the upbeat acceptance and nature of being “one & done:”
Juliet was 43 when she gave birth to her son and explains what is frequently the “decider” for having one child—the expense of infertility treatments “When I was younger, I thought two was my number… as I got older, I worried about my fertility,” she says. “To have a baby took two expensive rounds of IVF, and, of course, they were not covered by insurance. We felt lucky to have a viable embryo and then fortunate to have a healthy child. We agreed to call it quits. We decided not to tempt the fates anymore.”
Ingrid, another interviewee, took the pressure off herself when she accepted that she didn’t have the fortitude to face infertility drugs or the possible sadness of another miscarriage.
You could simply conclude that a second child is not right for you, that one more tiny human to raise may unravel your work-family balance or the intimacy you have with your partner.
Acknowledging your limitations and desires for yourself is also helpful. Self-awareness can help you decide, “I know myself; I’m a lazy, disorganized person who could not manage a large family,” like interviewee Francine confessed. “I know that about me.”
Well documented research shows that mothers’ happiness and mental health drop as more children arrive. One study of more than 20,000 families followed for 16 years found the decline is the result, in part, of the additional time pressures—which usually fall to mothers.
The toll of the physical and emotional demands of infertility treatments, aging out, and the crushing disappointment of failed attempts can stop the quest for another child. Most in that situation come to a stark and happy realization that having one child comes with more than enough happiness to compensate for the initial difficulties and frustration…and ample bonuses.
As the drop in birth rates indicates, even those who had no difficulties conceiving arrive at the one-child solution. Ashleigh Wallace wrote a post explaining her complex feelings and guilt about not having a second child: “I simply didn’t have a “valid” reason for only having one child, so everyone would think I was selfish. Recognizing my fear of how I was perceived by others was a pivotal moment in realizing what I truly wanted, rather than what society told me I should want.
“I ultimately knew that my one child was perfect for me, for my family, and she was enough. Being the parent of one child, I was enough.”
For more help and insights into making the one-child decision and/or for valuable information about raising your only child, see Just One: The New Science, Secrets & Joy of Parenting an Only Child or visit Dr. Newman’s website.
About the author:
Susan Newman, PhD, social psychologist and regular contributor to Psychology Today magazine is the author of Just One: The New Science, Secrets & Joy of Parenting an Only Child (Prometheus), The Book of No: 365 Ways to Say it and Mean it―and Stop People-Pleasing Forever, Under One Roof Again: All Grown Up and (Re)learning to Live Together Happily(Lyons Press), Parenting an Only Child: The Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One and Only(Broadway/Doubleday), and Little Things Long Remembered: Making Your Children Feel Special Every Day (Iron Gate Press), others.
See: www.susannewmanphd.com Follow her on Facebook, X, and Instagram!
