JFF Educational Tools

• Listen instead of giving advice
• Ask how they would like to be supported
• Offer to be involved in whichever ways feel best to them
• Respect their wishes for privacy and needs for space
• Honor their choices regarding who they’d like to share with and who they’d prefer to keep at some distance
• Trust their instincts and decisions
• Continue one-way contact and reassure them that you don’t need a response
• Support their timeline
• Admit that you feel helpless
• Offer to help them find support
• Seek out your own education and support
• Sit with your own feelings
• Be gentle with yourself as you process your own feelings about their struggle

-AFSA

• “I’m so sorry this is happening.”
• “I love you and I’m here for you.”
• “This feels so unfair.”
• “You deserve a family.”
• “Would you like some distraction?”
• “I’m here to listen, whenever you need me.”
• “How is this impacting you emotionally/spiritually/physically?”
• “Would you like to talk about it?  Or would you prefer time alone?”
• “Can I ________?” (Instead of asking, “what can I do?” be specific. Ask, “Can I come over to sit with you while you cry? Give you a hug? Treat you to a pedicure or massage?”)
• “It sounds like you’re doing everything right/being so thoughtful in your decision-making/consulting with the best people.”
• “I trust the decisions you’re making.”
• “If you’re feeling hopeless, I’ll hold hope for you.”

• Try to change their emotional state, cheer them up, or convince them to feel anything different
• Make promises or predictions
• Don’t assume they have the same spiritual perspective or beliefs as you
• Talk to them about your parenting problems or complain about your experience with pregnancy
• Let them be blindsided by news of a pregnancy or baby shower. Have these conversations one on one.
• Suggest lifestyle changes
• Share stories about other people’s infertility journeys
• Ask for constant updates
• Imply life is easier without kids
• Suggest alternative options to their treatment decisions

• “Just relax/go on vacation/have a glass of wine/meditate/stop trying/chart your temperature/have more sex, and it will happen.”
• “You’re stressing about it too much!”
• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “God has a plan.”
• “It will happen, I know it!”
• “You focused on your career too long.”
• “Have you tried _________?”
• “You’re so lucky that you can travel/have fun/sleep as long as you want.”
• “At least you know you can get pregnant/you already have one child, you have a partner who loves you, you have a family that cares about you/you have a career.”
• “Have you considered adoption?”
• “Isn’t it time to move on?”
• “Now that you’re finally pregnant, just enjoy it!”