Do other people take on both IVF and foster care at the same time? A few important aspects of my life this year are:
- Four surgical hysteroscopies under anesthesia
- Finding childcare (or lack thereof)
- Home inspections
- Daily injections
- Daily bloodwork
- Negative HPTs
- Daily follow up emails
- Initial blood panels
- Background checks
- Drug testing
- Clinics and hospitals
- Babies who experienced neglect, abuse, drugs
- Fainting during an SHG
The commonality in both? Waiting…waiting…waiting!
I wish I could say these processes have been smooth sailing but neither have been and neither will be. The negative pregnancy tests are heartbreaking. The miscarriages soul crushing. The day I ovulate I automatically know the due date without a calculator and I fall in love with that maybe baby that we haven’t conceived. I imagine the pregnancy in those months, the baby’s birth. How about being told it will likely be twins but then having no pregnancy at all after waiting for two long, grueling weeks?
Speaking of two weeks, the caseworker promised our foster to adopt a license in two weeks after our final home study. I rushed to get all the paperwork, background checks, fingerprinting, everything done within only 2 months. You’ll know this is an impressive accomplishment if you’ve been through the process. Our final home study was done 10 weeks ago so we’re definitely in the what? 10 weeks? Infinity weeks? wait with our license.
What gets me going through all of this? The hope. I hope we’ll get and stay pregnant. I hope that God helps us find a competent obgyn this time that won’t further damage my uterus and my body after birth. I hope we’ll have adoptable children placed in our care. I hope I don’t have to watch these children reunify with abusive or addicted parents.
The hope keeps me going but sometimes it breaks me. Sometimes, I just want to give up after a miscarriage. A canceled cycle because the latest surgery under anesthesia didn’t work. Only getting a few embryos from a $20k procedure. A close friend telling me she won’t have compassion for my someday-high-risk-pregnancy since I confessed I do not want, cannot, continue to hear about her normal pregnancy. Another form to fill out because the social worker lost all our paperwork. A denial into DFACS due to religion. Speaking to 42 agencies to see who could accommodate training classes and home studies around Shabbos. Asking our Rabbi about every aspect of fostering and adopting non Jewish children. Maybe embryos too.
Today though is a good day. We start a new IVF cycle next week. They called to reassure me the foster license will be in by next week too. I hope next week is a good week with good news. I’ve been waiting this long, so what’s one more week…