by Kim Demontfort
I want to preface that I do not enjoy taking pictures of myself crying, but I felt it was important I documented this moment. Looking at these photos, make me teary eyed every time I see them. BUT it’s important to remember my low points so I can appreciate the good times (when they happen).
Look I attend support groups, I journal, I blog, I excercise, I have spoken to a therapist/friends/family. I have tried meditation, and gratitude exercises. All of these are healthy coping strategies, but sometimes grief just takes over and there’s nothing you can do about it.
And when that happens, when the darkness starts to take over the light, sometimes you need to let it take over.
You can’t escape grief. You can’t ignore it. You need to deal with it. (Read that again for those that need to!)
When I showed Brian these pictures, I asked him if it was hard to see. He said “no”. His answer took me by surprise, because looking at them made my heart break. How could it not effect him? He then explained that he sees that all the time, and he has learned how to let me have those moments. He sits with me, and lets me get it out. He makes sure I am okay, and talks me thru it if I need it. His heart is broken as much as mine is, but we express it in different ways. I love that he still sees me as I am, even if I feel broken.
We had to learn how to grieve individually, and together. We had to teach each other what works and doesn’t, what helps and what hinders. It’s a process, this grieving thing. And it is ever changing, ever evolving, and never the same.
What I hate about grieving, is that people always think I am in a constant state of sadness or depression. Do I have my moments (uhhh yeah, obvi!), but that doesn’t mean I am in a constant state of grief. I am a naturally upbeat, and happy person. Something terrible has happened to me in my life, but that doesn’t mean I’m not still me. Yes, I am forever changed from this journey (who wouldn’t be?), but I am still Kim.
There’s more to my life then this one event. Yes I am a loss mom, yes I am part of the infertility community, and yes my story is sad and dramatic. But I am also a dog mom, a crafter, an athlete, an entrepreneur, a wife, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. There is more to me, and I’m just trying to navigate thru it all.
If you find yourself in a situation where grief has taken over your life, don’t worry, it does get easier. No it doesn’t go away forever, but you will survive this phase. And yes, something will trigger you in the most random moments, but you will get thru it. There is more to you then this event, and it’s okay that it changed you.
I am different then before this journey. And in some ways I am proud of the changes. I am stronger than I ever thought I was. I advocate for myself now more than I ever did. I have a cause that I dedicate my time and energy towards everyday. I have learned acceptance with my body. And I have learned what really matters most in life, and that’s moments, relationships, and love.
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